When You Get to See the Why

Have you ever experienced something so confusing, so terrible, and so unexpected that it feels like your life is spiraling out of control? It can feel like a massive weight on your chest, limiting your air supply. Or like you're stuck in a thick fog, unable to fully experience the world around you. This horrible thing has stolen your innocence, forever altered how you define yourself, and you wonder how and when it will ever end. We've all heard it said that everything happens for a reason, but what kind of good will ever emerge from this experience? And really, can it possibly be good enough to make this bad thing feel worth it someday? 

For me that thing was thyroid cancer. 

Despite how scary the experience was, I knew deep down there had to be some kind of good that could come from it. I couldn't fathom what that might look like, and ended up deciding it would be something I could ask God about someday in heaven. So while in the thick of it, I held close to one of His promises, believing that somehow He could take this thing and bring about some good. 

"And we know [with great confidence] that God [who is deeply concerned about us] causes all things to work together [as a plan] for good for those who love God, to those who are called according to His plan and purpose." -Romans 8:28 AMP

Recently I started reading a new devotional book called Heart of a Competitor, put together by the Fellowship of Christian Athletes. The other day I read message in it written by a surfer diagnosed with cancer named Joe Matera. At the end, one of the verses referenced hit me hard from the story of Lazarus. 

"This illness does not lead to death. It is for the glory of God, so that the Son of God may be glorified through it." - John 11:4 ESV

Without getting deep into Lazarus' story, God basically used his sickness as a way to show power by restoring Lazarus' life and health in a miraculous way. 

Not a day goes by where I don't think about what it was like to have poor health just a few years ago. I can still remember the desperation and brokenness my husband and I felt each and every day, not knowing how or when the nightmare would end. We prayed hard for healing and asked for the biggest thing our human minds could imagine - that I wouldn't need a second radioactive iodine treatment after my second surgery, even though my doctor said there was a 75% chance I would. As we waited and prayed, I slowly allowed myself to start dreaming of what I would do with my future healthy self. In my wildest dreams I was a fitness instructor of some sort and the challenge of such a lofty goal excited me enough to give me goosebumps when I thought about it. 

On a late summer day in 2011, the phone rang and my miracle came. The results showed the cancer was gone. How do you describe the feeling of your heart exploding with joy and amazement within your chest? It was pure weightlessness and freedom that threw me on the floor and had me laughing and crying simultaneously, harder than I ever had before. Exhilarating, electrifying, raw and wild happiness. It was an emotional experience so extreme I had never before and haven't since felt. The miracle had come, I was relieved of the burden, and my big, risky prayer had been answered. But God wasn't done.

Fast forward to the present and the fitness instructor dream has also become reality. Not only that, but God decided to continue the miracle. I now use words like "athlete" and "competitor" to describe myself and I've achieved things in the fitness world I never could have fathomed to pray for. I prayed the biggest, most daring prayer I could dream up and I feel like God must have laughed a little bit. 

I feel as though I now sit holding this special gift of understanding, of being able to see "the why." He took a horrible experience and used it as an opportunity to show not just His goodness but also His greatness. Prayers were answered above and beyond imagination and I still continue to stand in awe each and every day that this is the life He has blessed me with. "It is for the glory of God."